I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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