on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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