Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
