In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
