his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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