Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
