mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
