in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
