They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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