Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
