The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
