Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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