At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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