My liver just broke up with me...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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