Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
