At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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