Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
