i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
