I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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