I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
