Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
