these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
