You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
