I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
