I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize