Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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