about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
