Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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