I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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