i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
