And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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