my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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