she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
