I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
