Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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