Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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