1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
