i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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