how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
