he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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