Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
