There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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