it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
