onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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