Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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