dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
