Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize