he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
