You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
