So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
