I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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