Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I am one with the molecules
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
