awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
