I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
