I am puke
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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