and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
