My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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