now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize