last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
