I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
