peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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